It's a rant....

I am 66 years old and cannot find a job. I retired from teaching 10 years ago, thinking I was done. After two years and serious spending problems, I had to file bankruptcy and fell into a deep, deep depression. Add to that the post-traumatic stress situation following my divorce. I was a wreck. I was broken. I even asked my therapist if I was broken and she did not reply. OK, could I be healed?

I worked as a children's librarian for seven of those years. During my teaching career I excelled. I was special. I had magic. I could hold students' attention (reasonably so). As this librarian, a broken person, I struggled. Some days I excelled. Most days I fell into shock--you know, little children. I never had any or babysat or had any kind of dealings with them. I repeat, it was a struggle.

Add to that a principal who was not pleased with me. I found it profoundly difficult to discard old books. This was a library in need of extreme make-over. I painted all the walls, added rugs all over the place, created little nooks with floor pillows and the rugs, added posters and pictures and maps--all teaching devices. I worked every weekend for six of those seven years and stayed until seven at night many working days. I worked hard, but never could grasp how to work with middle school children until my last year. The odd thing is how much I looked forward to going to work every day.

So, in January of 2012, I turned in my intent to retire. In anticipation of having all the things I bought and brought to make the library eye-candy friendly all discarded, I totally packed it all up and took it home. It's a good thing because my replacement re-did everything! Worse, she discarded half the books in the library and put the paperbacks on the wood shelves. Made me sick, but I had to let it go. It's not my library any more.

What retirement is about is letting go. You're old, you're tired, and you are no longer needed. True or not, that's how I feel. After two months I knew I had made a mistake--not leaving that library, but retiring in general. I needed the money. I've been putting in applications, interviewing, but not asked to be a part of any team. I'm a has-been. I knew it would happen one day, but, you know, you never think TO YOU!

The worst thing, the very worst thing is how retired teachers are treated. I cannot begin to say how hard I worked for 41 years. Preparing lesson plans to teach literature, creating interesting, informative assignments as extended learning, creating meaningful tests, and grading all those papers, homework, tests, essays, and research projects. I was an English teacher, a humanities teacher, fine arts, creative writing, conversational French, teacher of gifted, philosophy teacher, an inspiration to hundreds of students.  What happened? Why am I no longer valuable to some employer?

In Louisiana retired teachers cannot be rehired after they retire--it's called double dipping, although a law was passed that in certain cases, following certain stipulations, some retired teachers can be rehired, but at sub pay. I was grandfathered in. Sub pay is so insulting! Even so, I recently agreed to accept that pay, then the principal disappeared with her job. I have no idea what happened because she did not return my call.

I look at those old faces of those old white men being interviewed in Washington as Obama's potential new leaders. How does he recognize their value (his opinion) instead of choosing much younger men OR women.? Then I must ask: Is it me? Am I the problem?