A couple of weeks ago my senior class, Woodlawn 1964, held its 50th reunion. I didn't go. I simply could not get up the energy to even want to go. At one point I did fill out the form of intent but could not mail it.
So why? I know a couple of reasons, or at least what I think are reasons, but I was never sure. That's why I'm writing this blog--to see if I can discover why I could not go.
Here's what I think:
1. I would have to go alone. In nearly every picture taken during the event each person had a "date" with him/her. I would have felt out of place.
2. This one comes on the heels of the one above. Sometimes I have panic attacks when in large crowds where I don't have a home base. As a loner, would a group of pairs have tolerated my joining them? At the first sign of rejection, I would have fled, as I have done many a time.
3. So many of my classmates have one spouse and claim happiness. I've had two disastrous marriages. I have no children or grandchildren on whom I dote. I totally feel the burden of my aloneness. I am happy not being married --actually, I'm happily divorced.
4. I have not enjoyed seeing what has happened to us. We are nearly all overweight. We're boomers! We should have kept up physically. What happened? Why did we let that dream die (of staying fit and trim).
5. I was not friends with most of the people on the planning committee. In fact, nothing was ever mentioned by or about my friends in high school. It would be those folks whom I would want to see. Otherwise, panic over the aloneness.
So, I think that's it. In these reasons is probably the truth or something imitating it.
Books on my very ambitious TBR list (*denotes read)
- *Reading Magic: Why Reading Aloud to our Children Will Change Their Lives Forever by Mem Fox
- The Odd Women by George Gissing
- The Zen of Fish by Trevor Corson
- How to Get Your Child to Love Reading by Esme Raji Codell
- The Cod Tale by Mark Kurlansky
- In This House of Brede by Rumer Godden
- *Joan of Arc by Mark Twain
- Dag Hammarskjold by Elizabeth Rider Montgomery
- The Wisdom in the Hebrew Alphabet by Rabbi Michael L. Munk
- Children of Strangers by Lyle Saxon
- Spiritual Writings by Flannery O'Connor
- Nightmares and Visions: Flannery O'Connor and the Catholic Grotesque by Gilbert H. Muller
- The Violent Bear It Away by Flannery O'Connor
- Flannery O'Connor's South by Robert Coles
- Wise Blood by Flannery O'Connor
- Sylvanus Now by Donna Morrissey
- *Vincent de Paul by Margaret Ann Hubbard
- Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi
- A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking
- The Library at Night by Alberto Manguel
- Readicide by Kelly Gallagher
- *Ruined by Paula Morris
- Say You're Not One of Them by Uwem Akpan
- Wandering Star by J.M.G. Le Clezio
- Silence by Shusaku Endo
- *The Assault by Harry Mulisch
- Kari's Saga by Robert Jansson
- *The German Mujahid by Boualem Sansal
- Western Skies by Joseph Conrad
- *The Giver by Lois Lowery
- *Imperium by Ryszard Kapuscinski